The Scarlet Bride
by Beebo
Summary: Beebo, my OC, has decided, along with St. John and Kurt, to make a parody of everyone's favorite movie: The Princess Bride. Since John got dibs on the main part, poor Wanda's been dragged into being the leading lady, Buttercup. [Cancelled]
1. Oh dear God, no!

THE SCARLET BRIDE

Disclaimer: I own not The Princess Bride nor X-Men. That goes to William Goldman and Marvel, but I do own Nekata and Beebo. Aren't I lucky?

* * *

Beebo: Okay, people! After much deliberation, I've decided to write a parody of my all-time favorite movie! A feat that has never been attempted before— 

Todd: Er, Beebo-kins? I think a lot of people have done this already.

Beebo: (blinks) Oh…Uh, on with the show anyways! So, since I know that both Fuzzy Boy and John-John also share a love for Billy Goldman's masterpiece, I assigned their parts already.

(Much groaning and protesting issues from the collective group of mutants. St. John and Kurt, on the other hand, appear overjoyed.)

Beebo: Hey! Just be glad it's me directing and not Nekata…she'd gut you all.

Nekata: (shrugs) It's true, but tell me, my hyper-active counterpart, what am I doing for this debacle of the Arts?

Beebo: Er, (glances at clipboard) you're "the Ancient Booer".

Nekata: …"Booer" isn't even a word. (shakes head) You mean I have to play that old crone who calls everyone "refuse"?

Beebo: Yep, but at least Lance and Kitty get to join you in the group of "Creepy Old People".

(Others snicker while the couple in question looks uneasy.)

Lance: Okay…who are we playin', Shorty?

Beebo: Miracle Max and his lovely wife, Valerie! Oh, and speaking of creepy old people, Magneto's playing Grandpa, Baldy gets to be the King—while Moira McTaggert is the Queen—, Beast is the "Impressive Clergyman" and Mystique is Count Rugen.

(The aforementioned people look a little ruffled about being called "old"; they except their creepiness.)

Kitty: Like, isn't Count Rugen a guy?

Beebo: (shrug) Your point? Okay, on with the rest of the cast!

Piotr is Fezzik and Jamie will be playing the Kid and other extras if they're needed—

Jamie: Big surprise there.

Beebo: (ignores him) For the part of Prince Humperdinck, (snickers at name) I've convinced Simon Williams that he is acting in a real movie, so don't hurt him too bad.

Kurt's playing Inigo Montoya, and Scott is the blithering security guy, Yellin.

(Scott sulks in the corner, while horror suddenly dawns on Wanda's face.)

Beebo: Remy will be Vizzini—no complaints! I happen to like Vizzini, so shut it!—and St. John shall be…

Wanda: Oh dear God, no!

St.John: Your dear Westley, my little Buttercup! (appears already in costume, bowing with a flourish to the Scarlet Witch)

Wanda: There'll be no living with him after this...

Beebo: As for everybody else, we'll just stick them in when needed. The important parts have been taken care of, so…PLACES PEOPLE!

(All scatter, muttering obscenities.)

* * *

A young boy with brown hair surrounded by discarded tissues sits up in bed playing a video game. It appears to be _Grand Theft Auto_. 

**Jamie**: "Hey, if I have to endure all of this, I get to pick the game!"

The game is in progress as Jamie coughs very realistically. This role is sure to win him an Emmy. He holds the controller, clicking furiously away at buttons so he can get his money back from the prostitute, but a sudden hacking cough forces him to take a breather.

Rogue enters, looking thoroughly annoyed that she's stuck in this highly uncomfortable situation, and apathetically feels Jamie's forehead.

**Jamie**: "Aren't you supposed to fluff my pillows and kiss me?"

Rogue glares angrily at him, smirks as he shrinks under it, and goes back to the script.

**Rogue**: "Ya feelin' any bettah?"

**Jamie**: (timidly responds) "A little bit."

**Rogue**: "Guess what?

**Jamie**: "You got drunk and married Gambit in Vegas?"

**Rogue**: (smacks him) "We don't speak of tha'! _Evah_!"

**Beebo**: (off-screen) "I knew it! Uh, I mean…Script!"

**Rogue**: (teeth grinding) "Ya grandpa's here…brat."

**Jamie**: (frightened) "Mom,—wow…Rogue's my mom—can't you tell him that I'm sick?"

**Rogue**: "What? And give up this torture? Hell no!"

**Jamie**: "He'll pinch my cheek. Wait, is he really gonna do that? Creepy old people!"

**Rogue**: "Maybe he won't…an' maybe he will." (laughs evilly)

Jamie looks to her in fear as Magneto bursts into the room; cape swirling and a fedora resting on his snowy hair. He has a wrapped package tucked under one arm and immediately goes to Jamie, pinching his cheek.

**Jamie**: (shivers) "_Creepy_…"

**Magneto**: "Hey! I take offense to that you little punk. Er, I mean…" (glances at script) "How's the '_sickie_'? What have they done to the English language…?" (shakes head)

Jamie gives Rogue one last pleading look, but she ignores it and retreats with a snicker.

**Rogue**: "Ah think Ah'll leave you two 'pals'. Oh my Gawd, this is too rich!"

Once she's gone, there's an uncomfortable silence that is soon broken by the Master of Magnetism.

**Magneto**: "I brought you a special present."

He's doing his best to sound sincere, having always wanted to do some playacting before becoming a terrorist.

**Jamie**: "What is it…a bomb?"

**Magneto**: (insulted) "I'd never be so paltry as to deliver a bomb myself! One of my lackeys would do that…Most likely Pyro. Now, open it." (thrusts the parcel at Jamie roughly)

Multiple looks at Magneto warily, pokes the wrapping and rips it off. His face falls at the rather anti-climatic gift.

**Jamie**: "A _book_?"

**Magneto**: (scowls at the boy's impudence) "That's right. When I was your age, television was called books."

**Jamie**: "Was this before or after you became an egotistical maniac bent on controlling the world?" (smirks, but decides to follow the script when a metal bat tightly encircles him) "Uh, I mean…please continue."

**Magneto**: (smiles) "Thank you…this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father…(sniffles) If only it were true…(gets all misty-eyed, choking out the last line) And today, (sniff) I'm going read it to you."

Ororo comes in off-stage, hands him some coffee and a tissue. A few minutes later, after Magneto hugged his bewildered children and promised to read them bedtime stories, the scene resumes.

**Jamie**: "Ya done now?"

**Magneto**: "Yes. Yes, I think I am."

**Jamie**: "Okay…Um, has it got any sports in it?" (he tries to wiggle free of the bat, but no such luck)

For a moment, Magneto sits there a little confused as to what Jamie's talking about, but an irritated cough from the director's chair sparks his memory. The caped villain jumps up with excitement, perhaps exaggerating his motions a bit too much as a desk lamp goes crashing into the wall.

**Magneto**: "Whoops…Er, (double-checks script) Are you kidding? Fencing. Fighting. _Torture_. _Revenge_. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles. Hmm…this does sound good." (as he delivered this stirring speech, anything metal flew in all directions, including the bat around Jamie)

Magneto looks a tad embarrassed by the momentary loss of control. He pulls Jamie down from the ceiling and sits in a chair by the bed.

**Jamie**: (looks very shaken, but manages a shrug) "It doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake…not that I'll ever _sleep_ again after that."

**Magneto**: "Oh. Well, thank you very much. How kind of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming."

**Jamie**: "You throw me around a room and manage to be sarcastic? Where do you get off, man?"

**Magneto**: (glares) "Little boys shouldn't know so many big words. I'm a notorious super villain; get over it." (clears throat and begins to read) "The Scarlet Bride, by S. Morgenstern. Chapter One. Wanda was raised on a small farm in the country of Bayvilla." (pauses, rereads line) "Hmm...I wonder who Wanda's playing."

**Jamie**: (about to explain, but is silenced by a menacing glare from Wanda off-stage) "I guess we'll just have to find out..."

* * *

**A/N**: There's the first chapter! Hope I didn't disappoint too many people...I should be updadting every weekend if all goes well, so...that's that. 


	2. He's gonna do what ta me?

THE SCARLET BRIDE

**Disclaimer:** I don't own The Princess Bride or X-Men: Evolution. I don't even have it on DVD yet! -sobs- But I do own Beebo and Nekata...I'd rather have the rights to X-Men Evolution, though.

* * *

Jason (a.k.a. Mastermind): Okay, now why did you drag me here? I'm not being forced to act, am I? (looks suspiciously at the short girl in a beret) 

Beebo: Nah, I just need you here for the scene changes and to make sure Magneto doesn't try to kill St. John in the following scenes. (hands him a script copy)

Jason: Oh…well as long as I don't have to actually interact with these idiots. (peruses through script)

Beebo: Okay everybody! Hope you all got a good night's sleep, 'cause this is one of my favorite scenes. And…Action!

* * *

As Jason's eyes glow, a beautiful English countryside shimmers into view. A humble cottage is bathed in golden sunlight and we see Wanda riding a horse looking very nervous. 

**Wanda**: "Where'd we get these things?"

**Beebo**: (from chair) "Mechanical horse Forge made so he could get out of being Miracle Max. Don't worry, they're safe!"

**Wanda**: "Oh…goody."

**Magneto**: (voice-over) "Quiet! I want to read my line!" (clears throat) "Let's see…where were we again?"

**Jamie**: (also voice-over; sighs) "'Wanda was raised on a small farm.'"

**Magneto**: "Oh, yes. I knew that." (clears throat again)

"Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was St. John, but she never…called…him that…" (there's a pause in which Jamie begins chuckling nervously)

**Jamie**: "Heh…are-are you alright?"

**Beebo**: (whispers urgently) "Jason!"

**Jason**: "Okay, okay! Good thing he's not wearing that blasted helmet."

Magneto's demeanor suddenly calms and he delivers his lines with perfect serenity. Jamie breathes freely once more and is delighted that the baseball bat finally unwraps itself from him. It was awfully hard to sleep with it the other night.

**Magneto**: (to Jamie) "Isn't that a wonderful beginning?" (his smile is almost too calm)

**Jamie**: (voice-over; doing his best to sound interested) "Yeah. It's really good." (whispers) "He's starting to freak me out, guys."

**Jason**: (off-stage) "Deal with it! I have to make a bloody set _and_ keep him from flaying that pyromaniac alive."

During this exchange, Wanda has finally reached the stable and grateful gets off the robot-horse. St. John, who had been laughing silently at Magneto, suddenly pales.

**St. John**: "He's gonna do what to me?"

**Wanda**: "Flay you alive. It's slow and painful torture. I've read all about it."

**St. John**: (gulp) "Fun…"

**Magneto**: (voice-over; reading) "Nothing gave Wanda as much pleasure as ordering… (a slight pause) …John around."

**Beebo**: (looks over at Jason with a raised eyebrow)

**Jason**: (shrugs) "A slight technicality, but it's either that or a raving metal-manipulating maniac."

**Beebo**: "Nice alliteration."

Wanda is holding the reins of the horse—labeled the Stallion 500—and walks up to the stables where St. John's working. She appears quite tomboyish and her dress is simple, much to Wanda's relief, while John's outfit is also simple, but ragged and dirty. He watches her as she approaches and winks, making Wanda blush then hex a rock to fly at his head. It hits.

**St. John**: "Ouch!" (rubs head, but still smiles) "Ya should know by now my head's used ta harder blows, luv."

**Wanda**: "_Really_?" (her hands glow as Colossus is lifted from off-stage)

**Beebo**: "SCRIPT!"

**Wanda**: (sighs and sets Piotr down) "Fine. Fire-bug, polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning." (evil grin)

**St. John**: (quietly, watching her) "As you wish."

John says his line with such perfection, having watched this movie enough times to do every part just right, that Wanda is momentarily stunned. A second passes by and she walks off to the cottage, glad to have her back turned on him. She still refuses to admit she likes the part. St. John quietly watches her leave and takes hold of the horse's reigns, praying it won't explode on him.

**Magneto**: (voice-over) "'As you wish' was all he ever said to her." (Jamie remains silent, say for a slight whimper as the ever-smiling human magnet kept…er, smiling)

Again we see St. John working, this time doing the back-breaking work of chopping wood, as Wanda walks over to him with two empty buckets.

**St. John**: "Bloody hell, this isn't as fun as I thought it'd be…

**Piotr**: (off-stage) Wimp.

**St. John**: (glares at him) I'll deal with _you_ later, tin-man.

**Wanda**: "Ahem." (smirks at John) "Pyro, fill these with water—"

(a slight pause, before grinding out the next word)"—please."

**St. John**: "As you wish."

As she leaves; his eyes stay on her. Wanda stops, turns back around and he manages to look away as she now stares at him. From her director's chair, Beebo and Kitty sigh happily.

**Kitty**: "It's like, so obvious they love each other!"

**Beebo**: "You're gonna love the next part! Jason, got bucket-head under control?"

**Jason**: "Maybe if you two stopped jabbering, I could."

**Magneto**: (voice-over; sounding so benign even Beebo gets wary) "That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, 'As you wish,' what he meant was… (long pause) "...'I…love you.'"

The entire crew lets out a sigh of relief.

The scene changes to inside the kitchen of the little cottage. It's small and cozy; we see Wanda reaching for a clay pitcher when John suddenly enters carrying an armful of firewood. They lock eyes for a moment and John struggles to hide his smile.

**Magneto**: (voice-over) "And even more amazing was the day she realized she… truly loved… (pause) him back."

**Wanda**: (Points to a particularly heavy pitcher she could easily reach) "Fire-bug, fetch me that pitcher." (It's apparent she's having too much fun ordering him around)

As always, John stays in character and gets it for her. Its weight almost forces him to drop it, but a slight blue glow near the bottom aides him in handing it to her. The two are standing very close to each other now; azure gazing into sapphire. Unable to help himself, John smirks as if he had just read her mind and says his line.

**St. John**: "As you wish." (He turns from her and moves outside)

Wanda and St. John are next seen outside this tiny hovel in the red glow of sunset, with thanks to Mastermind for the beautiful setting. The rest of the scenery diminishes somewhat as he struggles to keep Magneto in his happy place and is soon aided by Professor Xavier. John and Wanda however have been locked in the "passionate kiss scene" longer than they should have been.

**Jamie**: (comes out of shock and does his voice-over) "Hold it! Hold it!"

The scene shifts back to Jamie's bedroom where he sits beside the too-tranquil Master of Magnetism. He tries to appear disgusted, which is easy after witnessing John and Wanda, but is too afraid of what Magneto's reaction will be.

**Jamie**: "Uh…W-what is this? Are you trying to t-t-trick me? Where's the sports? Is this a k-kissing book?" (gulps and looks over at the serenely smiling man)

**Magneto**: "Wait, just wait—"

**Jamie**: (nervous about interrupting him, even if it's in the script) "Well, when does it get good?"

**Magneto**: (with a hint of real annoyance) "Keep your shirt on. Let me read."

(begins voice-over again) "John had no money for marriage." (a pause before genuine happiness could be heard in the following narrative) "So, he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea."

The scene changes back to the cottage where John and Wanda stand locked in an embrace by the gate.

**Magneto**: (voice-over; reading and sounding a tad snide)

"It was a very emotional time for Wanda—"

**Jamie**: (voice-over; groaning with true frustration) "I don't _believe_ this."

**Wanda**: (glares over at Jamie sitting off-stage before slightly changing her countenance) "I fear I'll never see you again…Jeez, this girl's annoying."

**St. John**: (smiles at her; trying not to laugh) "Of course ya will."

**Wanda**: (Quirks an eyebrow at him and keeps going) "But what if something happens to you? (rolls eyes) Seriously…she's way too Damsel in Distress."

**St. John**: "What? Ya wouldn't worry 'bout me if I went travelin' on the high seas?"

**Wanda**: (dead-pan) "John, we do worst things than sailing every day. I'd be more concerned about the people who'd have to deal with you. And I _hate_ people."

**St. John**: (winks) "I'm touched, luv." (continues with script) "Hear this now: I will come for you."

**Wanda**: (stifling laughter) "B-but how can you be sure?" (snickers)

**St. John**: (takes hold of her hands looking the picture of sincerity) "This is true love. Ya think this happens every day?"

He smiles at her and Wanda, for a wonder, she smiles back. Knowing she wouldn't stoop low enough to throw her arms around him, John improvises by picking her and twirling her around in an attempt to be romantic. This, of course, fails and the two topple over on their sides. St. John whispers something inaudible and ends up being smacked by Wanda before stealing a kiss and skipping off the stage. Wanda sits on the ground with a red face and gives him the finger.

**Magneto**: (voice-over; sounding forcefully calm and reading) "John didn't reach his destination." (pauses and again sounds a little more upbeat than needed) "His ship was attacked by the Dread Pirate Logan, who never left captives alive. When Wanda got the news that John was _murdered—_"

**Jamie**: (voice-over) "Murdered by pirates is good!" (pause) "Man, this kid has issues."

The scene shifts to inside the cottage once more where we see Wanda staring out her window trying to look apathetic and succeeding, since boredom has settled heavily by now.

**Magneto**: (voice-over; still more cheerful than what's clinically sane) "She went into her room and shut the door. And for days, she neither slept nor ate."

**Jamie**: (voice-over) "How'd she survive?"

**Beebo**: (megaphone) "Don't question it!"

**Wanda**: (no emotion at all in her voice) "I will never love again." (suddenly snorts and gets off stage) "Seriously, for someone who acted like they hated him so much, she's a little drastic."

Kitty: (hands-on-hips) Well, look who's, like, calling the kettle black.

Wanda: (evil glare) What's that supposed to mean? Are you calling me racist?

Kitty: Like no! It's just, you were, like, totally in denial before...y'know. Like Buttercup was—

Rogue: (covers Kitty's mouth) Ah think it's best ya stop right there, Kit.

* * *

**A/N**: And there's chapter two! Many thanks to those who've read so far. This is my first parody and I'm really trying to do a good job, so reviews and criticism are always welcomed. 


	3. Stallion 500 ASPLODE!

THE SCARLET BRIDE

**Disclaimer: **I do not own X-Men Evolution or the Princess Bride, yadda yadda yadda. Though, I do own Beebo, Nekata and I gave Duncan's stupid Jock friend the name Shawn Conners. That's really all I own... Quite sad actually.

* * *

Beebo: (is pacing before her director's chair, rubbing a fake stick-on beard in worry) Oh, man, I really hope Simon doesn't get hurt too bad…I can't afford to get sued. 

Nekata: (appears out of nowhere wearing a filthy, ragged dress and a matted gray wig) How do I look? (raises eyebrow at Beebo's new facial hair)

Beebo: (also raises eyebrow at Nekata) Great…but why are you wearing your costume?

Nekata: My scene's coming up. Why are you wearing a beard?

Beebo: (shrugs) I needed to stroke a goatee in thought, but didn't have one…and you're not up yet. This is the _first_ courtyard crowd scene; not the second.

Nekata: …So I look like a hag for know reason?

Remy: (snickers) Don't y' always look like a ha—(is saved by Beebo)

Beebo: Places people!

* * *

Mastermind's eyes glow faintly off-set once more from his extremely comfy, overstuffed armchair beside Beebo, and a stony castle courtyard shimmers into view. The crowd is made up mostly of Jamie's clones, Morlocks, other X-men without parts and a couple of Simon's friends. 

These would be, Duncan Mathews, his burly blonde lackey with the ugly bowl-cut named Shawn Conners, and Taryn. They look at the mutants in suspicion, but are of course too stupid to understand what's really going on and are just psyched to be in a "real movie".

**Magneto**: (voice-over; reading) "Five years later, the main square of Bayvilla City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Simon's bride-to be."

The Master of Magnetism is finally free from Jason's and Xavier's telepathic grasp, believing St. John to no longer be in the story, which gives him room to add commentary.

Prince Simon steps out onto the set balcony and twirls his royal robe-cape combo with exaggerated swagger. It's clear that he's more than happy about his role and the confident smirk on his face is enough to smack him. He gives the "jock head-nod" to Duncan and Shawn while the three others standing behind him groan. They are an old couple with crowns, the aging King Charles and Queen Moria, and a dark blue woman with short, orange-red hair who seems highly agitated. This is Count Mystic.

**Beebo**: (off-set) "Hey, Mystique! You're supposed to have a beard!"

**Mystique**: (growls and crosses arms) "And why, pray tell, do I need facial hair?"

**Beebo**: (off-set) "Because all great villains have them. Duh."

**Magneto**: (voice-over; indignant) "What do you mean by that? I don't have a beard."

**Beebo**: (off-set…still) "You're point?"

**Mystique**: (cackles evilly) "Just for that, I'll grow one." (a graying, black beard sprouts from the shape-shifter's chin)

The scene finally resumes with Simon glaring at the now bearded Mystique for interrupting his big moment and stealing the spotlight.

**Simon**: (raises his hands, starts to speak in a very Keanu/Shatner style of acting) "My people, a… (extends the "a" for half a second longer) …month from now, our country will have its…(another unnecessary pause) …500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was… (Simon pauses again, seemingly unaware of the crowd's annoyed faces) …once a commoner like yourselves—(ignoring the actual pause, Simon instead speeds up the line) but-perhaps-you-will-not-find her… (another blasted pause) …so common now. Would you like to meet her?"

**Crowd**: (eager to end the torture of his acting) _YES!_

**Ray**: (from crowd's center) Especially if it means you'll shut up! (receives a hearty laugh from everyone except the non-mutants—not including Shawn, who laughs because he's an idiot)

The crowd of extras turns to a set of stairs where a figure can just barely be seen. They collectively hold their breath as a young woman in resplendent robes of white appears and descends the stairs into the crowd. It is Wanda and she looks to be very uncomfortable in the fancy apparel.

**Simon**: "My people...the Princess Wanda!" (looks her up and down from the balcony with great interest) "And what a _babe_! Am I right? Of course I am."

Wanda descends the stairs and starts to move amongst the people, flipping the ego-inflated Simon the bird as she does. The crowd titters at the action, leaving a confused Prince Simon—who missed the whole thing—to wonder what he said that was so funny. The extras then do as the script demands and go to their knees. Simon nods, looking impressed.

**Simon**: "Whoa! I didn't even have to say anything. Awesome, but they aren't bowing to me…" (blinks in confusion for a moment until a blue hand snakes over his shoulder and delivers the "Vulcan Death Grip". Simon falls to the ground in an unconscious heap)

**Mystique**: (takes a bow as the entire cast lets off a great cheer) "It was my pleasure."

Wanda, smirks as Simon's head drops below the rampart, and reminds herself to hex him upside-down on the ceiling later. The crowd goes back to bowing for a few more moments and Wanda finds herself truly immobile by the action. It was unnerving having so many people paying attention to her all at once and she is shockingly relieved to hear her father's narrative.

**Magneto**: (voice-over) "My God, that human is annoying. See, Charles? This is what I'm talking abo—"

**Xavier**: (cuts him off with a sigh) "Save it, Eric. Mr. Williams is a…special case. He doesn't count."

**Magneto**: "Yes, but what about that other hooligan or that gorilla with the bad haircut? (gestures to Duncan and Shawn) Are they 'special' too?"

**Beebo**: "Both of you shut it! Wait until after this scene to have a pointless argument." (waves megaphone threateningly) "Or I'll smack you!"

**Magneto**: (voice-over; sulking) "Whatever…now, where was I?"

**Jamie**: (back from buffet table; voice-over) "Jeez, how hard is it to read straight from the script? 'Wanda's emptiness consumed…'" (mutters about getting a bigger trailer)

**Magneto**: "Oh…yes, I knew that." (clears throat) "Wanda's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land gave Simon the right to choose his bride, she did not love him." (glares at script) "Why must she always be so difficult?!"

**Mystique**: (now off-stage) "Sure, go ahead and hassle the daughter you locked away in an asylum, Eric. I'm positive she won't smash you to bits with a Sentinel or magnetize you to a train."

**Magneto**: (snaps the forgotten metal bat in half) "Hold your tongue! At least _I'm_ not some promiscuous—"

**Mystique**: (smugly) "No need to tell _me_ that."

**Magneto**: (sputtering furiously) "I-I…y-you hermaphrodite!"

**Mystique**: (cackles loudly) "Oh, good one, Eric! You truly are a most insidious cad."

**Jamie**: (moans softly) "I'm gonna need therapy after this…"

**Wanda**: (scribbling on a piece of paper) "Note to self: Magnetize father to a train."

**Beebo**: "Moving on!"

The courtyard scene changes to that of a quiet, wooded area after Simon was dragged off to the side callously by Blob. We see Wanda once again barreling through the trees on the Stallion 500. Her face is more pallid than usual and a loud, clanking noise followed by thick, black smoke issues from the vent on the robot's side.

**Magneto**: (voice-over, he sounds a little happier now that he's gotten a large mug of Highlander Grog) "Ah! How I love my coffee…"

**Xavier**: (off-stage; nonchalantly) "You do know, it was humans who invented—"

**Beebo **and** Nekata**: "NOT NOW!"

**Magneto**: (monotone; his coffee mood ruined) "Despite Simon's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride."

**Wanda**: "Ha! That's a laugh!" (glances nervously at the clanking metal death-trap)

She tugs violently at the reigns and the Stallion 500 finally jerks to a halt, almost bucking Wanda off. The loud noises still continue and the smoke turns a murky, dark blue. Using her common sense, Wanda leaps from the Stallion 500, rolls to a stop, and runs the remaining two yards where she was supposed to go as Forge's robotic horse bursts into an inferno.

**Stallion 500**: (ASPLODES)

**St. John**: (off-stage) "Yippee! A fire!"

**Beebo**: "John…"

**St. John**: (sighs) "I know, I know." (extinguishes flames with a flick of the wrist)

**Wanda**: (dusts off her scarlet and maroon dress) "Good riddance to bad rubbish."

**Remy**: (from behind her) "A word, _mademoiselle_?"

Three strange men stand together in the path behind Wanda, and beyond them the waters of Bayvilla Channel can be seen. This, of course, is merely the X-mansion's swimming pool beautified by the powers of Mastermind's illusions. Standing in the front of them is a tall, handsome man with the most entrancing red on black eyes, wearing a trench coat and a smirk. He's a Cajun, fresh from the bayou, and an expert thief named Remy LeBeau. On his left is a blue, fuzzy and German elf trying his best to hide his excitement. This is Kurt Wagner, expert swordsman and alleged "ladies man". Beside him is the Russian giant, Piotr, who looks as stoic and apathetic as usual. Wanda does not seem impressed.

**Wanda**: "Speaking of rubbish…"

**Kurt**: (pouts) "Aw…C'mon, Vanda! Don't be a negative Nancy."

**Wanda**: (raises eyebrow) "Who?"

**Remy**: (clears throat) "We be but po', lost circus performers, _petite_. Is dere a village nearby?"

**Wanda**: "There is nothing nearby; not for miles…'cause that's the first thing you tell a total stranger." (rolls eyes and sighs)

**Remy**: (doesn't bother commenting as he wants this part over and done with, so he can continue pestering Rogue) "Den dere'll be _no_ one t' hear y' scream…Bwahaha!"

The others stare at him for a moment and shake their heads. Remy mutters something about "philistines" and nods to Piotr. At first, Piotr does nothing except stare at all the people watching him from off-stage and turn red.

**Piotr**: "Uh…I have forgotten vhat to do."

**Kurt**: (more than happy to help, whispers) "Grab her neck and carry her."

**Piotr**: (turns even redder) "I can not do that! Vhat if I crush her?"

**Wanda**: (sighs) "Trust me; I wouldn't give you the opportunity. Here's an idea: I'll just fall over and we can pretend the big, bad giant scared me into a faint?" (falls over with the style of any Prima Dona worth her weight in gold)

Piotr calmly catches her and manages to stay in character.

* * *

Beebo: That's it for today, guys. Good job! 

Bobby: (wolf-whistles) Way to go, Pete! (shrieks like a girl as Wanda leaps up and entraps him in blue light)

Wanda: Ya wanna take back your implications there, Drake?

Bobby: (nods vigorously) Yeah, yeah! I take it back, I take it back! (gets thrown backwards into Jean, who just burst into the studio)

Jean: I demand—Eeek! (is hit with a Bobby)

Wanda: Yes! Two points! (high-fives Rogue)

Beebo: …Well, I think this is running along smoothly.

Nekata: (smacks her upside the head) You had that coming, I'm sure.

**

* * *

A/N:** Okay, sorry I didn't get a chance to update this earlier! So, to make up for it, I've given you this long, very winded chapter that probably bored you to tears. I'd like to thank all of you guys for reviewing too! Much obliged am I. 


	4. Who ordered the Macchiato?

THE SCARLET BRIDE

**Disclaimer: **I unfortunately do not own The Princess Bride nor X-Men: Evolution. Beebo and Nekata, however, are in my possession and belong only to me. Can't imagine why anyone would want to steal them...but oh well! Sorry for the wait in update!

* * *

Beebo: (searches under chair, then under the buffet table…then under a fake boulder) Man, where is he? 

Todd: (tilts head in confusion) Uh…Beebo, what're ya doin', yo?

Beebo: (heavy sigh) I'm tryin' to find that hippie, Forge. He was supposed to bring in the stupid horse today! Without one, then the next scene won't make any sense.

Todd: …You're actually worried about this thing makin' sense?

Beebo: (ignores him) Whatever, knowing him, the thing would probably blow up and take half of New York with it.

Jean: (storms up to them with Bobby not far behind) I—I mean, _we_ want a word with you!

Blob: We're on in five, losers! (slips head-set on and goes to a camera)

Jean: (still yapping at Beebo) …And I expect a full apology from that maniac who endangered both my and Bobby's safety. And furthermore, I would like at least _some_ part in this production. Even Blob and Pietro get to do something!

Pietro: (zips around delivering coffee, too hyped-up on caffeine to be mad about the job) Coffee? Coffee! WHO ORDERED THE MACCHIATO?

Beebo: (light bulb goes off) Of course! I've got the perfect role for you two, and it's coming up soon. Hey, Pie! Get these guys into dressing room three, pronto!

Blob: (holds up hand) In five, four…uh, three…two, one. Action!

* * *

With everyone finally in place and in costume, we see the Olympic-sized pool of Xavier's shimmer and morph into a vast, picturesque channel. A sailboat is moored by the shore, and dusk has fallen. Kurt busies himself getting the boat ready while Piotr carries Wanda, unconscious, on board. 

Remy rips some tiny pieces of fabric from an army jacket, and tucks them along the saddle of Wanda's horse. The horse's entire form is really just a combination of potato sacks sewn together, the end of a mop, and glued-on googly eyes—all of which Pietro made…in about a quarter of a second, of course.

**Jean**: (grumbles) "This isn't what I meant when I wanted a part and you know it!"

**Kurt**: (ignores the whining horse) "Vhat ist that you're ripping?"

**Remy**: (not stopping or turning) "It's fabric from de uniform o' an Army officer o' Guilder."

**Piotr**: "Who's Guilder?"

**Remy**: (pointing straight out across the "channel") "De country across de sea; de sworn enemy o' Bayvilla."

**Jean: **(still griping) "…I mean, I am one of the most powerful members on the team and all. You'd think I'd get a little more appreciation."

**Bobby:** "Ah, be quiet! At least you're not the horse's _butt_…"

**Jean:** (tuts disapprovingly) "Now, Bobby, was that really appropriate?"

**Bobby:** "I'd think so since I'm getting the _tail-end_ of this deal. Get it? Tail—Ow!"

His continuous puns are, thankfully, cut off when Remy smacks the "horse's" rump…albeit, a little harder than necessary. The Bobby-Jean horse plods off-stage back down the path Wanda had come down earlier.

**Remy: **"Get outta here! An' don't come back neit'er!" (chucks a rock after them for good measure, then turns to his men)

"Once dat dumb _nag_ reaches de castle, dat fabric'll make de Prince s'pect dat Guilder has abducted his love. (looks at Rogue, who's sitting off-stage reading thick book)

**Rogue: **(without looking up) "Save yer cheesy lines 'til _after_ ya croak, Swamp Rat."

**Remy:** "Aw, _chere_, it cut Remy real deep when—" (blinks as realization dawns) "Hold up! Remy not even de bad guy t'rough de whole story?"

**Kurt:** (attempts to cheer Remy) "You do get some great lines!"

**Rogue:** (disregards Kurt; smirks) "Hon, ya're barely a blip in the beginnin'. Does that bruise yer big ego?"

**Remy:** (leery grin) "_Oui_, but y' callin' Remy 'hon' make it all better, _cherie_." (continues narrative before either Rogue or Beebo can throw something at him) Uh…oh, when he finds de _petite's_ body dead on de Guilder frontier, his suspicions'll be totally confirmed. Muahahaha!"

(awkward silence)

"Fine! Remy don't like dis character anyways…he don't deserve an evil laugh."

As Remy sits there and sulks, another silence fills the area. It lasts for a minute or two before Kurt not-so-gently nudges Piotr, who quickly snaps back to attention. Somewhere off-stage, Beebo is drowning her sorrows in heavily sugared coffee with Magneto and Pietro.

**Piotr:** (sheepishly apologizes under his breath, then rattles off his line) "You never said anything about killing anyone, Remy.

Remy hops onto the boat, apparently over his sulking, and fixes a glower on his men.

**Remy:** "Remy hired y' t' help him start a war. Dat's some prestigious line o' work wit' a long an' glorious tradition, _mon ami_. (snaps his fingers, catching on) Like t'ievin'!

**Beebo:** (exasperated, leaps at the chance to move along) "Yes! Exactly like…t'ievin'."

**Remy: **(chuckles proudly) "Remy smart."

**Piotr: **(unsure of how to react, says his line) "I just do not think killing an innocent girl is right.

**Remy: **(whirling on around in that patented way which makes his coattails spin, he turns on Piotr and pokes the big Russian in the chest) "Is Remy goin' crazy or did de word "t'ink" escape your lips? Y' weren't hired fo' your brains, y' hippo-hip hop…" (curses under breath) "Dis script no good fo' Remy's sexy accent." (settles for another poke to the chest)

Kurt, being the only one besides John who knows and loves the movie, valiantly steps forward and pats Piotr on the back, being unable to reach his shoulder.

**Kurt: **I agree vith Piotr.

Remy slowly advances them, feigning deadly fury with surprising accuracy, until he's within an arm's length. He, of course, ruins the moment by smiling cheekily and turning to the "audience".

**Remy: **"Dis is where Remy gets t' gets t' show off his angry side. Don't be scared, he's just a _bon_ actor!"

**Piotr: **(whispers to Kurt) Who is he talking to? (receives only a shrug)

Remy, now back in character, fixes his demonic eyes on Kurt and sneers. That's right; _sneers_.

**Remy: **Oh. De _rat_ has spoken. What happens t' her ain't really your concern—Remy'll kill her." (raises his voice)

"An' 'member dis—never fo'get dis—"

The tall, and now rather intimidating, Cajun first turns to Kurt and jabs him in the chest with a finger, but the Fuzzy One remains stoic—as he role demands—despite the scariness of Angry!Remy. Piotr, on the other hand, allows some shock to show on his face; a rarity in itself.

**Remy: **(to Kurt) "–when Remy found _you_, y' were so slobberin' drunk y' couldn't buy brandy."

(now turns to Piotr, who backs a little as Remy advances)

"An' _you_—frien'less, brainless, helpless, hopeless—Do y' want Remy t' send y' back? Unemployed in Russia?" (drops character for a moment and laughs evilly) "Dis is pretty fun!"

Piotr's face turns red with suppressed fury, and he takes a couple steps towards the Cajun with intent on doing severe bodily damage. Kurt jumps up and holds him back, repeatedly confirming that it was just a script change for the parody.

**Piotr:** (crosses arms and huffs) "I am thinking this is not so fun."

Remy, either completely oblivious to the danger he just avoided or choosing to ignore it, slips back into character. He glares at the two, then turns and leaves them. Once he's gone, Kurt cautiously approaches Piotr, who's still a little miffed about the illegal immigrant implications.

**Kurt: **(as he casts off, he speaks softly) "Zat Remy, he can _fuss_.

**Piotr:** (looks oddly at Kurt, then remembers line) "... fuss ... fuss ..." (suddenly, he's got it again) "I am thinking he likes to scream at _us_." (starts to smile) "Maybe this is not so bad."

**Kurt: **(winks) "Told you. Zis movie rocks! Er, I mean…Probably he means no _harm_."

**Piotr: "**He is being short on _charm_."

**Kurt: **(smiles proudly) "Oh, you've a great gift for rhyme."

**Piotr: **"_Da_, some of the time." (smiling fully) "And I have not been in the forgetting of lines."

**Remy: **(whirling on them, shouts irritably) "Enough o' dat. Y' sound like dat Mother Goose or somet'ing."

**Kurt: **(corrects smugly) "You mean, Dr. Seuss?"

**Remy: **"Whatever."

As they sail off, we hear the voices of Kurt and Piotr continuing their banter as the boat recedes.

**Kurt: **"Piotr, are there rocks _ahead_?"

**Piotr: **(now enjoying himself) "If there are, we shall being _dead_."

None have the heart to correct him…he's just too sweet. Remy glares back, jealous that he doesn't get any rhyming lines. Well, any _intentional_ ones.

**Remy: **"No mo' rhymes now, Remy mean it."

**Piotr: **"Is anybody in want of peanut?"

Remy lets out a growl of anger that slightly resembles Wolverine after stubbing his toe, and stomps his feet in over-exaggerated frustration. Piotr and Kurt share a look with raised eyebrows and shrug.

* * *

Beebo: (megaphone) AAAAAND…CUT! (sighs and slumps down in chair) Thank God that mess is over…uh, I mean, great job, guys! Nice emotion, Rems, but ya might want to turn it down a notch or two…or five, but whatever. Piotr, you're a babe, I love ya! Kurt, fabulous job as always. 

Kurt: (beams) Danke!

Piotr: Uh, why is the small girl talking in strange ways? (oblivious to own speech patterns)

Kurt: Uh…Dunno. I'm gonna eat doughnuts now! (BAMFS)

Remy: (skips over to Rogue, who disappears into a spare dressing room) Aw, c'mon, _chere_! Remy jus' want t' talk t' ya. (feels tap on shoulder and turns around to receive a sucker-punch from Bobby, sans horse rump)

Bobby: Don't ever smack me _there_ again, weird-o! (turns on heel and stalks off in a huff)

Beebo: Uh…Hey, Wanda, terrific job staying still back there for so long!

Wanda: (is standing behind her) Huh? I left twenty minutes ago; had some…business to take care of. (evil grin)

Beebo: (wide eyes) Oh God, what did you do? Where's Simon? (looks up in time for the semi-conscious idiot in question to land on her) Nevermind…

* * *

**A/N:** I am so, deeply sorry that I took so long in putting up this chapter! I had some…school and annoying reality stuff bothering me, but I'm back. So, I hope this extremely long-winded chapter will sustain you and make up for my horrible lack of update-ness. Once again, sorry! -bows- 


End file.
